If you are dating or looking to get back in the dating scene, then you may think you already have an idea of an ideal mate.
Does this person have to be a certain height, weight and age? Have a certain hair color and income level? Do you want them to live in a certain neighborhood or drive a specific type of car?
If you answered yes to any or all of these questions then you have eliminated all the amazing people that don’t measure up to your idea of perfection. Studies show that income and good looks do not have any relevance in lasting relationships. What matters to long-term success in a relationship is that you find a partner that has similar values to you and is nice. And they have to be available. Don’t put your self-worth so low that you reach for a partner that who is unavailable and married.
Instead, look for someone that is nice and nurtures what is already amazing about you. Stop looking for perfect…it does not exist. Psychological studies show that it takes between 90 seconds and 4 minutes to decide if you are fancy someone- and that this decision is based primarily based on body language and the tone and speed of their voice. So you may be missing out on a perfectly complimentary partner based on the way they say hello, not to mention the expectations you have already formed about your perfect “soul mate.”
Let’s discuss changing your expectations, not lowering them, but changing them. I think you may find that there are plenty of available partners out there that are just right for you. Hopefully, you will begin to see that having quality people in your life, people that are kind, loyal, loving and attentive… are the kind of people that make and ideal soul mate.
Marry Him, by Lori Gottlieb explores the idea that “settling” for a life with someone who fulfills what you “need” (i.e., kindness, loyalty and love) is far more fulfilling than falling for a type. Discovering a life with a person who will bring you soup when you are sick and who is faithful and trustworthy, ultimately creates a life that is fulfilling and nurturing to your soul. Guess what? More than likely if you pick the “bad boy” for the excitement, he is going to get bored with you, and find something or someone else to entertain him.
There is nothing boring about stability and trust. You might just find true lasting love once you change your expectations.
My therapy sessions can help you find and define what you need. Rather than settling for what society has taught is important in a relationship.